Oh, the usual: raised by puffins, ran away with a troupe of travelling Romany acrobats, degree (BA Hons) in sub-atomic metaphysics from the University of Life (formerly Hard Knocks Polytechnic), culminating in job of towering pointlessness at media no-hopers from the wrong side of Gatwick.

Currently writing debut novel, gothic pulp murder-romance The Red Ribbon, after penning two of the world's worst-ever screenplays by the age of 19.